Friday, April 23, 2010

P to the U to the N to the C to the H

Lot of times, when I am depressed by the amount of times the MRF Blimp comes on air and commentators go: "that's the MRF Blimp", I wonder at things that have no connection to it. One such unconnected thing is the "punch" phenomena in Tamil cinema.
If you know that part of the world, they take their movies seriously. Very, actually. It is mandatory to have been associated with cinema to be able to become chief minister of the state. Even for mere mortals your status is defined by how many times you have been on Visu's Arrattai Arangam (a show where you have to speak loudly and end every sentence with a "saaaaaaar"), whether you can chronologically list Radhika's various TV serials or you have at least subscribed to #TR.
Now you know. Anyway, the "punch" is a strange art which is believed to have influenced even the Holy One: Gunda. It happened more with Rajnikanth movies where he rendered a couplet or a quadruplet every few minutes so as to invoke the global callback function called PaisaVasool(). I am not aware of when it all started, but I remember this from Arunachalam (which, you'd be surprised, has nothing to do with the north-east of India).

Aandavan Solraan
Arunachalon Mudikkaran

Arthaath, God proposes, man disposes... in fact, in this case, Man disposes.
A couple of years later, in Padaiyappa, he went blazing with his punch.

Yen vazhi, thaniiiiiiiiiiiiii vazhi.
My route, differennnnnnnnnnnnt route.

Adhigama aasepadra aambleyun,
adhigama kovapadra pombleyun,
nalla vazhndada saritrame kadayaadu.

Meaning, there has never been a history of someone like Lalit Modi and Lalit Modi (if he was a woman) living happily.

Hey, how could I forget Basha, which started it all I guess.

Naa orudarave sonna,
nooru darave sonna maadri.

Meaning, my one Tweet can go up to 14000 characters.

This Punch thingy reached magical heights in his big film, Baba. As if forecasting its box-office life he says:

Gatham, gatham!
What's gone, is gone.

Anyway, the basic idea of this post was to supply free Punches for him. But there is only one Superstar. So maybe the wannabes can use it if they want. Here goes:

1. Naa tightukku loosu,
Paambukku mongoosu.

Do you really want a translation, 60% of the words are in English.

2. Vaayile pallu
Nenjile kallu
Udambellan dillu
Yemperenna sollu?

In mouth, teeth. In heart, stone. In body, guts ya. Tell what my name is.

3. Ramya Krishnan kudukkaradu thangon
Africale irukku Congo,
Golu vetchirukkon vaango,
Naa adichcha unakku veeeeeeeengon.

This actually doesn't make much sense and it's also heavily-laden with local references, but you do remember Ramya Krishnan from Parampara, no?

I will stop here as I need to conjure more Blimp jokes in the meantime. Till next time:

Shoe-vukku Bata,
Blimpukku tata,
for the time being, vatthhaaa!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

I spit on your appetite

Just like our education system, Bollywood or Hollywood does not prepare you to survive the outside world. For that, one has to move out from the mainstream and go slightly below the ground, into the dark, where, as your teachers would have you believe, lies the forbidden land. Here are a few gems made in this genre, which can make any kind of meal want to come out of the stomach, into the open.
I Spit on your grave:
Don't see this movie. Please! As much as it prepares you for the bad world outside, please don't see this. Certainly not at dinner time. This was made in the 70s when film-makers began to confuse shit for freedom of expression. This is shit. Excreta. Scum. Yuck. Gross. Cinematic faeces.
Like Britney Spears singing a song over and over again for a whole day. Corporation garbage lorries letting out smelly juices on potholed roads is like gajar halwa over vanilla ice-cream in marriages, when compared to ISOYG.
Make Them Die Slowly:
Its divided into two halves like a football match. There ends the pleasantness. First half goes to the urban visitors to the amazon jugle who play around with the local tribals, like, they make multi-speared swings and pierce it straight into these illiterate jungle fellows. The jungle elders do not know if these are just part of the city-dwellers' sense of fun; but when they discover that one-by-one their younger relatives are dying, they take law and the second half into their own hands. Carnage follows, jungle ishtyle. No waiting for Maoists. You pierced our stomachs, we disembowel you and play with your oesophagus, intestines, pancreas and liver. One tribo puts a big spear into a whitey's heart area.
[This is where a cover photograph should have come. But where am I to find an uncensor-worthy one for a film which was "banned in 31 countries". To put this into perspective, it was made when USSR, Yugoslavia and Czechoslovakia still existed.]
He drags the spear even as it is embedded somewhere close to the lungs till about his stomach. Now that he has created an opening, his fellow freshers in cannibalism feed sumptously on this lovely meal. Some get oesophagus, some get intestines. This seems to be the new-age mantra in amazon as various ways of devouring human flesh is devised. One guy's top quarter of the head is cut (must admit, quite intricately), and the brain is eaten with great pleasure. Actually, if Kuch Kuch Hota Hai and its ilk are feel-good films, this is a feel-goo film. Go for it if it interests you, but do get an appointment with your local rehabilitation center.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Blessed is he, who watcheth...

Sometimes, a strong reverberation of the falsetto becomes a fulcrum to lift you out of your arrested development. In other words, the eclectic and the banal are so sure of their own identities that they do not remind themselves of the other's presence.
You might have noticed that the two sentences are completely unrelated to each other. In fact, these sentences might not even be related to themselves, but for the good of this article which has broken the perpi's hibernation, sab theek hai, everything's ok.
I watched no good films to add to this blog. I however saw what the Blessed One can do when requested to mix with the common man. I was chilling out in an airport boarding gate when a friend asked if I had any movies in my laptop to kill time. Anyone who knows my laptop well knows there is but one film in it worth watching here. So I showed him that, warning him of the after effects, "It will change your life."
Gunda ran for 5 minutes on my laptop before the flight call arrived and my friend just did one thing. He called his wife and asked her to scour the land for Gunda and Loha.